My sister-in-law and her husband visited to tell us the tumours in her brain hadn't shrunk following rounds of radiation and chemotherapy. She died three weeks short of the surgeon predicting that she has six months to live. Her husband and adult son were in a state of shock.

Then the landline rang. It was my niece sobbing uncontrollably. Following a road rage incident my big sister and brother-in-law were in induced comas, in critical care and in separate trauma hospitals in Sydney.

As I put the phone down and entered the lounge again, I was dazed. One tragedy on its own was serious enough, but two happening simultaneously was disbelieving.

What did I do you ask? What would anyone do given this situation. I made a cup of tea but used my best china!

Coming ready or not

Whether we're ready or not, skilled or not, have the answers or not, coming to terms with such life changing realities comes as a sudden shock. Earthquake like. We're suddenly thrust onto an unfamiliar path, not quite sure where it will take us.

Over the last four months we've celebrated Easter, Ascension, Pentecost and Trinity Sundays bringing us stage by stage to the Body and Blood of Christ. This feast wraps up this ‘run' of entering into the facts of our faith, but at the same time remains open ended.

Deliberately so, because God's presence is constantly ‘on-tap'. An intentionally indelible living presence in the journey throughout life.

God is all about life. Our lives. The good, the bad and ugly. But it's when the carpet has been pulled from under our feet in unexpected tragedies that a battle of wills can emerge i.e. my will verses God's will. Possibly the first time we realise how little control we have over our own day?

God co-operates

Jesus tells us in Romans 8:28 by turning everything to their good God co-operates with all those who love him. The trouble is often we can't see it just at that time.

Popular one liners like: If life throws you lemons, just make lemonade - well, everyone has it tough, you're not the first one to suffer - or - God only gives you what you can handle - or - put it at the foot at the Cross - or God's in charge, while helpful in part, aren't entirely.

I couldn't change the circumstances of that day, nor pray them away as if it were a bad nightmare. Answers from prayer do come, but often not in our expected way or time.

There is a God of life's circumstances I figured, that calls us to a certain spiritual maturity because God does speak to us in the concrete realities of life.

But first we must be prepared to enter into the paradox of the parable of the seed (Luke 9:24) to realise that life only comes through dying. The trouble is, surrendering isn't exactly a walk in the park. It's scary stuff.

In the desperation of hardship, the book of Job spells out to the reader to remain faithful to God and to reject God won't fix the situation either. Sixteenth century Spanish mystic St John of the Cross described profound turmoil as the "Dark night of the Soul".

Jesus asks us to stay the course in exactly the same way He did Himself. St Peter explains in 1 Peter 2:21-23…. because Christ suffered for you, left an example for you to follow the way He took. He had not done anything wrong, but trusted with all His might in His Father. That's all He had, but all He needed.

Our indebtedness for all that God did in Jesus that Easter weekend assures us that we can fall apart knowing that God's arms are already outstretched to catch us.

The secret is out. The mystery has been uncovered - that God is present and alive in the darkness and pain of life's tragedies.

Let's not be frightened of the dark. Don't stay in your comfort zones. Be displaced. Vent your anger. Feel insecure. Own the anxieties. Cry out loud. Enter those blue days.

Acceptance and not rejection of the consequences of life's circumstances will lead us to that same realisation that Jesus did, that God is there - already!

My sister-in-law died just before Christmas in peace.

My sister suffered irreversible neurological injuries and is in full time care. My brother-in-law made a slow and full recovery and visits her every day.

The third driver involved in this car pile-up was killed instantly and the young culprit who was high on drugs, walked away uninjured. At the court inquest he couldn't remember anything!

• Sue Seconi is a writer and a parishioner from the Catholic Parish of Whanganui - te Parihi katorika ki Whanganui.

The book introduced readers to the "five stages of grief" model she had developed to explain how people cope with death.

The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

Then in 1995, following a series of strokes, Kübler-Ross was confronted with the prospect of her own death.

Her son, Ken Ross, says though his mother dedicated her life to articulating grief to others, when faced with her own grief, she still had a big lesson to learn.

'Kenneth, I don't want to die'

Mr Ross cared for his mother for nearly a decade leading up to her death in 2004.

"A few weeks before she passed she said to me, 'Kenneth, I don't want to die'," he recalls.

It surprised him, as it seemed to contradict the stages of grieving she'd spent her life teaching others about.

He observed that, though his mother was an expert on dying, she wasn't immune to its challenges.

Only recently has Mr Ross come to fully understand what he observed in his mother in her final years.

"The fact is she was paralysed for nine years and she was in [the] anger stage," he says.

Mr Ross says his mother "got a lot of flak" in the media in the years before her death, because her lack of ease with death made her appear she wasn't practising what she taught.

"People felt that she shouldn't go through [the stages of grief] for some reason," he says.

Kübler-Ross's anger did dissipate before her death — after she processed it with those closest to her.

Mr Ross admits he "pushed" his mother out of her comfort zone in her final years, assisting her through marathons in her wheelchair and travelling with her to Europe to visit her sisters.

He says Kübler-Ross "gave up on the anger" after these demonstrations of love.

"[She] let herself be loved and taken care of, then that was her final lesson — and then she was allowed to graduate," he says.

"For years I thought about this and what I realised was, that's exactly what she teaches."

When "you learn your lessons you're allowed to graduate", Mr Ross says; that is, you're allowed to die.

Pioneer and rebel

Kübler-Ross spent her life speaking openly about death and dying, and fighting for the rights of the dying.

"She would always do whatever she felt was right to help dying people and anyone who was downtrodden," Mr Ross says.

She did this even when, in the earlier parts of her career in particular, speaking openly about death was frowned upon, he says.

"She was a pioneer and such a rebel."

Kübler-Ross's controversial work, especially in the 1960s and 70s, wasn't always met with a positive reception.

"You can't imagine how shocking it was at that time for someone to be talking to dying patients and telling them the truth," he says.

According to Mr Ross, throughout his mother's life she received death threats, was spat on by doctors and the family home was even burnt down — twice. Continue reading

• Image: iPerspective