The bill will make it clear that the unplanned end of any pregnancy by miscarriage or stillbirth constitutes grounds for leave for the mother and her partner or spouse, and that the duration of the bereavement leave should be up to 3 days.

Currently, the bereavement leave provisions of the Holidays Act 2003 are ambiguous in their application to miscarriage and still-birth.

But the proposed legislation states a person who has had an abortion would not be eligible for bereavement leave.

"It is important that we allow families time to grieve, and I know for a fact that this is a sensitive topic that affects many families in New Zealand," said the Labour member of parliament Ginny Andersen, the sponsor of this private members bill.

"The committee believed that the intent of this bill is to provide bereavement leave to those who experience a miscarriage or stillbirth, not for abortion," Anderson said when she presented the bill for its second reading.

Speaking in the debate, National's Agnes Loheni said there is underlying hypocrisy with creating a law which will undoubtedly lead to women having to lie about their abortion so that they can be considered for bereavement leave.

"It is an intellectual dishonesty by refusing to acknowledge that a woman who has had an abortion has lost a child," she said.

"They willingly concede that a woman who has had a miscarriage has lost a baby worthy to be grieved over, but if a woman has had an abortion—no regard for that loss. Nothing to see here, folks—move on."

Source

• parliament.nz
• parliament.nz
• healthcentral.nz
• Image: scarymommy.com

They chose the name Aryton after Formula One racing driver Ayrton Senna to reflect both Kyle's mad love for the sport and Danielle's Brazilian heritage.

They had a baby shower, filled drawers with baby clothes, decorated the nursery with a teddy bear theme with a night light and a mobile of pastel-coloured soft toys.

"I knew I had to put everything else on hold and focus on being the best mum I could be," Danielle says.

"We just had so much love to give … we wanted children to share in that love we had for each other — that was our definition of family."

Danielle had had a miscarriage before trying for Ayrton, but there was nothing to indicate any problems with him until she went into labour at nearly nine months and went to hospital in 2012.

"I was told his heart had stopped beating inside me," she says.

"In that moment, all the plans we had, the family we had dreamed of, disappeared.

"By that point I already thought of myself as a mother. All of sudden it was taken away from me and I was left with no baby to show the world. I lost my identity.

"The thought of not bringing my son home from the hospital had never entered my mind. I felt so confused, so lost, so alone, so hurt, so empty. It was like having an out-of-body experience."

The cause of Ayrton's death was inconclusive, leaving the parents without an explanation.

Different responses to grief

Grief travels at different speeds, especially within a couple when each side experiences loss differently.

Sands Australia, a national organisation that represents and supports parents who've experienced miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, says there are two types of common grief — intuitive grief and instrumental grief:

• Intuitive grief responses encompass strong, affective reactions and waves of powerful emotion
• Instrumental grief responses are more inward, quiet processes, with less outward expression of emotions.

Sands Australia says often instrumental grievers express their grief by being physical and doing practical things.

In Danielle and Kyle's case, they responded separately, in each way. Continue reading

• Image: ABC