A friend gave me permission to write this story. She and her husband were in the car, their three young daughters in the back seat. Suddenly, the youngest daughter announced, “Mummy and Daddy had sex three times.”
Middle daughter, knowing there had been two miscarriages, corrected little sister. “No! They had sex five times.”
Eldest daughter reacted. “Stop talking about sex! It’s yuck! It’s gross!”
Dad held on to the steering wheel, eyes on the road, while Mum turned in her seat. She explained to her daughters, “Sex is a bit like broccoli. It may seem yuck when you are young, but when you grow up you might enjoy it.”
This story created some food for reflection. We all know ‘broccoli’ is not on the Vatican menu, and its absence can create speculation ranging from ‘yuck’ to the notion that married couples are addicted to it.
Many years ago, I was at a parish gathering where the seventh sacrament was being discussed. One man said in a weary voice, “Priests think married couples spend all their time in bed.” There was a wave of laughter mixed with good-natured groaning. I was a new Catholic, and it was a while before I saw the gap between the ideal and the reality. The bridge over that space was often laughter.
I’m sure, however, that none of us would want Church teaching on marriage to change. Certainly the rigidity of applied ideals needs to be softened. Pope Francis has done a lot towards this. The Holy Father’s book Amoris Laetitia is warm, compassionate and begs for understanding of family life that is irregular. But while the book is wholly supportive of parents, it does not give them a voice. All the quotes come from celibate men.
Most Catholic women accept this is the way the Church works. Like Mary, women tend to flow around masculine structures, filling the gaps in a fluid way. They have a lateral outreach, and relationship is the woman’s gift to the Church.
Women are also aware that the Church is in a tight corner regarding the legality of gay marriage. How can we hold on to a cherished tradition and at the same time recognise the validity of the loving commitment of a same-sex Catholic couple?
I believe any new situation calls for a return to the Gospels and to Jesus who never turned anyone away.
Surely the way forward will be a service of blessing for Catholic couples who’ve had a civil wedding for whatever reason.
In the Church we bless all manner of things: boats, houses, schools, religious artefacts, icons, animals, each other. Do we dare to refuse a blessing to people of faith who are living the spiritual fertility of love?
As a postscript, I admit to being one those people who want to see ‘broccoli’ back on the Vatican menu. That will address a number of concerns and make us all more real.
God bless ‘broccoli’.
- Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.