And you don't teach literature to college students as long as I did without being often tempted to offer relationship advice based on the real-life applications of good literature.

One thing I've found myself saying to students repeatedly over the years is, "Don't go into a relationship hoping the other person will change for you."

Only in fairy tales do frogs turn into princes or old hags into maidens with true love's kiss. Only in romance novels do bad boys become great men because they found a good woman.

To be sure, most of us grow and mature over the course of life.

But a change in essential character isn't likely to take place. It certainly shouldn't be expected. Thus, I advise the young and in love, don't bet on it. As Maya Angelou famously put it, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

Another point I've made in some of my harder conversations with young people is that when you think a person with a bad history (whether that is a history of unfaithfulness, abusive behavior or any kind of character issue) will change for you, there's an element of self-pride there.

No one (apart from Jesus) is "special" enough to transform another person.

Such is the advice I've offered countless times to others over the years.

Then, the other day, I suddenly realised that all along I had failed to follow my own advice.

This epiphany came to me while having meaningful conversations during a retreat. (Retreats are great for bringing clarity, aren't they?)

Then, a few days later, Katelyn Beaty posted a Substack newsletter that provided even more clarity.

In "No Woman Can Crack the Evangelical Bro Code," Beaty writes of the well-intended but futile efforts by evangelical women to change institutional cultures constructed by "old boy networks."

She writes:

"When things get hard, she can put her head down and tell herself it's best and perhaps more Christian to stay in the institution and reform from within than to leave for her own well-being.

"God placed her here for a reason. Reforming from within often means carrying a lonely psychological and spiritual burden, while persistently ignoring one's own gut and intuition, because how will this place ever change if not for her?"

This insight has just as much application in areas of change beyond gender relations.

Many of us who seek change and to be agents of change do so by putting our hopes in the next generation. But in places where the old guard is grooming the next generation precisely in order to replace themselves with replicas of themselves, such hopes are in vain.

I thought for a long time I could help the church (or at least my slice of it) change. I could take a community and denomination rife with racism, cronyism, misogyny and abuse and change it.

How foolish I was.

And prideful, too, I guess.

Now, to be clear, no human institution or community is perfect. Every human institution and community (and person) can be and is influenced by others (whether for good or ill).

I firmly believe we can and do make a difference by our mere existence, our presence and our very person wherever we are. This is what it means to be human, to be in this world and to be charged by God to be faithful to him and to one another.

But it is as true of institutions as it is of people: We ought not go in expecting to change them. Instead we must accept them for who and what they are (or aren't) and enter into relationships (or not) based on who and what they already are.

Unlike fairy tales and romance novels, more complex literature offers us more realistic examples of relational evolution. In "Gone With the Wind," Rhett Butler and Scarlett O'Hara end up marrying the very person the other is — and somehow seem surprised the other doesn't change much.

Jane Eyre falls passionately in love with a man whose terms for love require her to violate her own Christian conscience. She flees, and though the two are reunited, it comes after her lover has been reformed under a discipline only tragedy can render.

In "Pride and Prejudice," the male characters don't change. Rather, Elizabeth Bennet comes to recognise the errors in her own judgments, and she arrives at a better understanding of the people around her — and herself.

Certainly, even as with the intelligent and perceptive Lizzie Bennet, our judgments can fail, and our discernment can falter.

Sometimes we don't see who or what a person — or institution — is because of our own history, experiences, upbringing, expectations and blind spots.

Such factors can't be avoided. But being aware of our limited perspective can make us more likely to see and face new understandings when they are made possible.

And to be sure, there are other times when people don't show who they are at first. Some are skilled with smoke and mirrors.

And most of the time — people, places, events and life being as complicated as they are — a combination of these realities is probably at play.

Just as important is owning our own misplaced trust in ourselves or self-pride in thinking our influence might be greater than it possibly could be; it's also important not to bear the responsibility for what others have done or failed to do.

Ultimately, our responsibility is to know when it's time to shake the dust off our feet (Matthew 10:14) — and then do it — in order that we might find the people and places we can embrace as they are. Read more

• Karen Swallow Prior, Ph. D., (aka One Eye Squinted) is Research Professor of English and Christianity and Culture at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary.

CWL National President, Kay Blackburn made the presentation during the League's recent annual conference in Alexandra, Central Otago.

The $10,766 donation, on behalf of the 70 CWL branches throughout New Zealand, was gratefully received by Loves-Me-Not writers, Lesley Elliott and Bill O'Brien.

Loves-Me-Not

Loves-Me-Not is a one-day workshop for Year 12 students to explore healthy relationships and the sometimes difficult subject of relationship abuse and consent.

Loves-Me-Not focuses on equal, relationships as opposed to controlling ones.

The long-term outcome sought from Loves-Me-Not is that young people live their lives free from the harm of unhealthy and abusive relationships.

Good relationships are key

The Catholic Women's League is pleased to make the donation.

"The League is keen to foster good relationships in young people", says National President, Kay Blackburn.

"We are assured that the welcome donation will be put to good use in the development of Loves-Me-Not resources".

Sophie Elliot Foundation

The Sophie Elliott Foundation was founded following Sophie's death at the hands of a former boyfriend.

After her death it became clear that she had been in an abusive relationship but neither Sophie nor her mother, Lesley, was able to see where things were going wrong.

The programme's founders are keen to help young people see the qualities of positive relationships and by contrast, relationship abuse.

Following on from this year's donation, the 2017 focus of the CWL Mission at Home Appeal is PILLARS.

PILLARS is a National Charitable Organisation supporting the children of prisoners throughout New Zealand.

PILLARS aims to break the cycle of crime and help secure a positive future for children of prisoners.

"PILLARS goes right to the heart of the Vision and Mission of CWL; the welfare of women and children", says Blackburn.

Attentive to the Church's social teaching, the New Zealand Catholic Women's League regularly researches social issues, particularly those affecting families, women and children, and it draws members' attention to these issues and canvasses their thoughts and ideas.

The League raises in excess of $200,000 annually for its social concerns.

Sources

• Catholic Women's League Aotearoa New Zealand
• Sophie Elliott Foundation
• Image: Sophie Elliott Foundation