When this happens, not only do I feel sorrow for my child, but I also feel discouraged and inadequate. And yet, I know that this experience is almost a universal one among parents.

Perhaps it's a hyper-sensitive child who whines and cries over the smallest vexations. Perhaps it's a strong-willed child who fights you tooth and nail whenever you tell him to do something.

Perhaps it's that hormonal middle schooler, who has suddenly become moody, disrespectful, and ultra-critical. Or perhaps it's a child whose health issues makes her irritable and crabby.

Whatever the situation, although you know deep-down that you love this child, there are times when it can be a real challenge to be patient and loving. So what can we do?

Don't take it personally

First, let's not take our children's behavior personally. Often it will seem like a child's angry or scornful behavior is directed right at you. But the reality is that since you're the mom, your child knows you love him unconditionally.

Therefore he has no inhibitions when it comes to expressing his feelings around you. This does not mean your child should be allowed to treat you with disrespect.

We need to be consistent about commanding and demanding respect from our children. Otherwise they will treat us like rugs — things to be trodden upon without care.

However, it is good to remember that, in most cases, it is the moms who bear the brunt of their children's bad behavior. It's not just you. It's a part of motherhood.

Without losing sensitivity to the feelings of others, we need to grow thick skins, an objectivity that will protect us from the thorns our children fling at us. Continue reading

• Mary Cooney is a home-schooling mother of five who lives in Maryland.

Paradoxically, the parents of such children encourage this demanding behaviour in the mistaken belief that if they give their children everything they can, their children will be happy.

Perhaps in the very short-term, they're right. In the longer term, however, such children end up lonely, dependent, chronically dissatisfied and resentful of the parents who tried so hard to please them.

How can parents raise happy children; individuals who are self-confident, capable and likeable rather than spoiled and miserable?

HERE ARE SOME SUGGESTIONS:

1. Rather than giving them material possessions, give them the most valuable gift of all - your loving attention. The quantity of time that you spend together is less important than the content of that time.

2. Instead of instantly gratifying their wishes, help them work out a plan to earn things they'd like to have. This teaches them to value their effort as well as what it achieves.

3. Allow them to enjoy anticipation. Children who learn to wait for things they desire are more likely to succeed in a number of ways later in life, as Walter Mischel, the psychologist who created "the Marshmallow Test", showed. In the 1960s, he conducted a series of experiments in which he gave three- to six-year-old children a choice. Either they could have one small reward (a marshmallow, cookie or pretzel) immediately, or if they waited 15 minutes, they could have two. The children have been followed up many times since and researchers have found that those who chose to delay gratification are now more academically successful, have greater self-worth and even tend to be healthier.

4. If they fail, encourage your children to keep trying rather than to give up, as long as you believe they really want the result. This teaches resilience, which is associated with greater success and satisfaction academically, financially and in personal relationships. Continue reading

• Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist. Her book is The Key to Calm (Hodder & Stoughton).

In fact, Statistics New Zealand figures show couples are most likely to call it quits after about 14 years.

Figures from 2014, the latest year reliable statistics are available, show that couples most commonly filed for divorce just before the 14-year mark. The average age of men breaking up was 47 and the women were 44.

Experts say it's an age when people start to reflect on where they are in life and what they want.

And for those couples who have children it might be a time when they are about to fly the nest.

Data from the Department of Internal Affairs shows dropping divorce rates — tied to lower rates of marriage.

In 1984, there were 28.15 marriages for every 1000 citizens, but by 2014 that had dropped to 11.57 marriages.

Peter McMillan, co-founder of the Imago Institute for Relationships, said the time of year couples found most difficult and sought his help the most was mid-January after Christmas and New Year's Eve.

"It's two things, from mid-November until Christmas, things get pretty stressful. And secondly, it's also a time when people stop and reflect on what they want."

"Then they realise that perhaps things aren't as good in their relationship as they were hoping they would be."

The second peak for relationship counsellors is mid-winter when it's darker, colder and people get "weighed down" more easily, he said.

Source

• nzherald.co.nz
• Image: baptistmag.org.nz

The way parents model appropriate interactions and communication to their children (for example, resolve disagreements, be assertive when appropriate) will impact on how their children interact with others - at school, online, or in the workplace.

In particular, children learn about interacting with others through their observations of others (for example how their parents treat one another and other family members).

Parents should aim for an authoritative parenting style: one that includes showing love and care towards a child, gives a child an appropriate level of independence for their age, and also sets clear rules and consequences for inappropriate behaviour.

Parents can help children to develop empathy and learn to take the perspective of another by talking with their children about how others might feel when they behave in certain ways and how they feel given certain behaviours by others.

Providing children with opportunities to play with other children and learn how to do so in social ways under the supervision of parents, gives children the chance to practice interacting in socially acceptable ways from an early age.

But how can the parents know what goes on at school?

Despite our best efforts to prevent bullying, it may still occur and parents need to know what to do in situations where their child is bullying others or being bullied by others.

Parents should be aware of signs that their children may be bullying someone.

This comes down to knowing your child well and detecting changes in behaviour.

This includes changes in demeanour, and more obvious signs such as acquisition of money or expensive possessions. Continue reading

Source

• Sheryl Hemphill in The Conversation

Sheryl Hemphill is Professor of Psychology at Australian Catholic University.

But it wasn't just that kind of invisible. It was that no one was in the least bit interested in the fact that I had a baby. In a way, this was a good thing. Families are a private affair, and I was free to have one. And yet, it was this freedom, I felt, which also made me invisible. I was free to raise my child as I saw fit. The flip side was that no one cared. They cared about my academic work. But they didn't care about this work.

And yet, I thought that they should care. Not in a busy-body, ‘I'm going to call the social worker if I'm concerned about your parenting' sort of way, but in a ‘Thank you for raising a future citizen' sort of way. I had always been interested in politics, but now being a mother with a baby seemed about as far away from politics as I could get. I couldn't help feeling, though, that in some way, raising her was a political activity. It was political in the sense that what I did in my home - how I treated her, and the values I taught her - would have an impact upon her. And she, in turn, would one day have an impact on those around her in wider society.

Is parenting a political activity? Continue reading

Source

• Holly Hamiliton-Bleakley in Mercatornet

Holly Hamilton-Bleakley, mother of six children, has an M.Phil and a PhD in Intellectual History and Political Thought from the University of Cambridge (England), as well as a BA in Economics from Wellesley College. She has published many academic articles on the history of moral philosophy.

Born into the digital age and exposed to technology and the internet very early, this generation of kids are effectively guinea pigs in the lab of life.

How - and when - will we know how much is too much for developing minds?

"The proliferation of cell phones, social media and apps among kids has changed the way they interact each other and content online," says ThirdParent co-founder Rob Zidar.

Thirdparent specializes in internet safety for kids, and Zidar adamantly believes early over exposure can be detrimental.

"Kids are exposed to content created by or intended for older audiences," Zidar continues.

"Kids are also interacting with social media at an earlier age. Tweens are being introduced to sites like Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat and can feel pressure to become active on those sites.

They witness things like cyberbullying or posting inappropriate selfies at an earlier age than parents might think, and in some cases they feel a pressure to ‘fit in' and emulate those actions."

"Irregular immaturity"

What this is creating is ‘irregular maturity' in children.

With the availability of pretty much everything at the light touch of a finger on a portable device, parents are missing opportunities to help their children understand the world they are accessing.

There tends to be a technology disconnect.

Parents, who didn't grow up with the tech they are using and handing to their children, trust their kids with technology that has a very thin line.

When that line is crossed, it can create patterns of obsessive behavior that can lure even the most well-educated child into a harmful relationship. Continue reading

Source

• Curtis Silver, The Next Web

According to Geekdad, Curtis Silver writes all over the internet.

Quite simply, the list measures, as Forbes shamelessly puts it, "money and fame".

Calculating the in-crowd includes looking at earnings over the past year, as well as "media and social networking power".

One gets the sense that we are encouraged to idolize these people.

Wealth and fame are incredibly seductive, and have become the holy grail in our modern religion of self-worship.

Beyonce, JayZ, Dr. Dre, Ellen DeGeneres, Rhianna, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Justin Beiber, Lady Gaga, etc. are among our new saints - even though many of them are anything but.

The longer I am a parent, the less I understand our fascination with celebrities.

Being a parent, I think, opens your eyes to what is really important in life - things like unconditional love, selflessness and stability.

Yet, the celebrity culture seems to turn everything on its head: what is essential for a happy life is not valued, while the less important things - such as wealth, fame and beauty - are touted as the only way to happiness.

Recently, the philosopher Alain de Botton wrote in The Guardian that we need celebrities because we have a natural tendency to admire people who seem glamorous and successful.

We should ‘anoint' good celebrities, he argued, so that we can channel our admiration appropriately.

I disagree. In fact, I think it's a dangerous idea, because celebrity culture is based upon myths about what it means to live a meaningful human life.

For instance, celebrities are portrayed as skinny - but with big breasts - unbelievably beautiful or handsome, wealthy and famous.

The message we get is that, because of these things, they are therefore of more value than us.

And they have more fun, better sex, and more meaningful relationships.

Indeed, the wisdom from celebrity land is that wealth, fame and beauty are the things that give anyone value, and they must be pursued above everything else. Continue reading

Sources

• Mercatornet
• Image: Philosophy for Parents