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Matushka Alexandra, an Orthodox priest’s wife, said knew that being a priest’s wife was no guarantee against marital troubles. Her father had been a priest and she had seen her mother struggle with neglect and isolation.
But when she met Serge as a seminarian and they decided to marry, she was convinced their marriage would be different. “I was going to do it right,” she says with a somewhat cynical laugh today, after twenty years as a matushka. “I had this beautiful, idyllic picture. We were going to be a team. We would love everyone and they would love us.”
But here are some of the difficulties she encountered:
1. He might not be ordained as a deacon and priest, and he might blame you. The bishop doesn’t guarantee ordination when a man starts studying. Perhaps the bishop decides he is not priest material. Perhaps the people don’t sing ‘Axios!’ at the ordination. Perhaps politics swings back to married men even in the Eastern Churches not being permitted to be ordained. And maybe politics starts sending priests to Siberia again. Perhaps the bishop doesn’t like you. Well, it is a done deal. Marriage or celibacy comes before any ordination.
2. He will be considered a second-class priest. Even in the east, celibacy and monasticism is considered higher and for the ‘kingdom.’ Have you ever wondered why non-monks in the Roman-rite are called ‘secular’ priests? Prepare yourself for the day that the Roman-rite prayer group potluck waits as long as possible for Fr Celibate to arrive to bless the food. Fr Husband can bless the food if the other does not show. Married priests are just too ‘down to earth’ for some believers. Look to the cross and take joy in forced humility. Everyone needs this once in a while.
3. You will be hurt by ‘church-people.’ And most likely, you will end up hurting parishioners as well. We are sinners. We all make mistakes. Hopefully, it is misunderstandings that cause hurt unintentionally, but occasionally you will have to brace yourself for a bit of evil in the church setting.
4. Your children will be hurt as well. This is one place where my ‘mama-bear’ can manifest. I try and help my children tolerate the foibles of some (for example, an older parishioner with strong opinions on how things are done), but I can’t sit and let them get hurt by the occasional person who really wants to cause pain.
5. People will accuse you of being in the way of your husband’s priesthood.It happens very rarely, but please be prepared. Maybe some things would be easier if he were a free and easy single man, but there is the issue of vocation.You can respond to hurtful accusations by crying, walking away, smiling and waving or shouting (not a good idea). There will be a day when someone asks, maybe just out of curiosity, if your priest husband shares confession stories with you. I respond, “God forbid!” loudly. Continue reading
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