Messy music

A group of people stood outside the airport waiting for a bus. Behind us, a young worker in an orange jacket was singing a song, a sweet voice, words indistinct.

Further back a man whistled a different tune.

Sometimes the sounds collided, sometimes they harmonised.

They were backed by the percussion of hammers and steel and the slamming of car doors, the occasional roar of a plane taking off.

All of this, for me, was parable.

My days are made of messy music. Each element is right with purpose but often collectively, they seem discordant.

Morning prayer brings the day as fresh gift, ready to be unwrapped. I ask Jesus to supervise the unwrapping, saying I want him to be in control.

But actually, I have my own plans for the day, all of them rather tidy. In other words, I’m hoping for music that is beautifully orchestrated.

It never happens.

In the evening, when I come to the prayer of the Examen, I’ve got a whole album of messy music to play back to my friend Jesus.

Usually there are a couple of sighs, a groan or two of embarrassment, but it is all held in gratitude.

That’s the thing with the Examen, we discover that the discordant notes and how we have judged them, are by far our best teachers.

The Examen is not about a divided understanding of the day.

It’s not about, “Thank you for this and forgive me for that.”

The latter would be like saying, “I failed that test, God, so please don’t send it again.”

We give thanks for everything, especially the difficult teaching that is opening a door to growth.

When we do this, we realize our mistakes are guides to God’s grace, not fences that keep us from it.

Sometimes the process suggests that we laugh at ourselves.

I mean, how could I have believed that someone had stolen my wallet when all the time a good Samaritan had gone out of his way to deliver it intact to the Police Station?

That realisation was cringe-making but a very good teaching. Certainly, I felt rather small, but all that smallness was gratitude.

On our Faith journey, the Examen unwraps the truth that imperfection is a great blessing.

Seen as such, imperfection will heal dualistic thinking, tuning our spiritual ear to the messy music of our days so that we realize it is all God-given.

Even those persistent negative thoughts that bother us, carry the light of possibility.

They are meant to be.

Dealing with them is part of our spiritual path and that is why they are there. The work we do with them, leads us to greater awareness of the abundance of God’ love.

When we know that God is in every part of our lives, as much in the shadow as in the light, we have Wisdom.

Yet there is more. The Examen reveals that Wisdom is not something to be acquired.

It is already within us. All we needed was God’s help to unwrap it.

  • Joy Cowley is a wife, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother and retreat facilitator.
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