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If you are the parent of a LGBTQ child, I hope that the following thoughts, which I’ve accumulated as a psychotherapist over the past 35 years, can help resolve some misunderstandings, and help you and your child enjoy a more loving relationship.
See what works for you and leave the rest behind.
In his beautiful book Domestic Monastery, the Canadian theologian Ronald Rolheiser, O.M.I., writes: “To be a mother or a father is to let your dreams and agenda be forever altered.”
For me, this quotation reflects a fundamental truth that, if not adopted by parents, will significantly decrease any chance for change in the relationship with their LGBTQ child.
The truth is: Our children do not belong to us.
They are free agents and their life journey is theirs alone.
The more a parent tries to dictate to their child what direction their life should take, the more a power struggle will ensue.
This is ultimately self-defeating and counterproductive, as it doesn’t allow for the generation of new information and ideas.
It’s not about understanding, but acceptance
This is a crucial insight towards fostering reconciliation.
Does anyone ever completely understand another person?
People are complex and complicated. We are paradoxical and contradictory.
We sometimes behave against our better judgment and engage in self-defeating and harmful behaviours.
Most interpretation of human behaviour is speculation anyway.
We strive towards understanding because we have a desire for certainty.
Perhaps we would be better off being more humble if we approached our children with curiosity, not certainty.
As my hero St John of the Cross wisely advised, “Learn to understand more by not understanding, than by understanding.”
Parents may often assume they know what their children are thinking without sufficient evidence of their thoughts.
Not knowing what your child is actually thinking can lead to an escalation in miscommunication and conflict.
Instead of assuming, check your hunch with your child by simply asking them if your assumption is correct and, if not, what they are thinking.
Remember, no one is an expert about another person.
By over-focusing on your child, you can easily avoid examining your own issues.
Focus on your child’s competencies and good qualities
When you’re feeling critical of, or irritated by, your child, remind yourself of what you admire and appreciate about them.
What are their gifts? Their strengths?
This is using an “opposite voice” to your “judgmental voice.”
Remember that no one likes being labelled, which suggests limitation and one-dimensionality.
Dial down the criticism
Words matter.
So, try your best and use your brakes.
If you’re angry, take a time out and leave the room. Take a walk, excuse yourself and return to the talk once the anger has subsided.
This isn’t easy for many of us, but it’s critically important if you are committed to seeing a change in your relationship.
Acknowledging your anger and owning it is essential.
Disavowing it may leave you feeling more miserable and regretting things that you may have said in the heat of the moment.
As the late father of a dear friend often admonished, “Less said, sooner mended.”
Apologize
This is a biggie.
If reconciliation is to occur, it’s essential that an attempt is made to repair any hurt caused by something you said.
Unless you feel remorse and are concerned about an injury you may have caused, change and reparation don’t stand much of a chance.
Do your best not to be defensive
Try not to interrupt, give advice or defend or rationalize your position when in conversation with your child.
Grant them the courtesy to speak.
The good news is they’re talking to you, although you may disagree with what they are saying.
This is not to suggest, however, that you abandon your boundaries and become a doormat.
The idea is to be flexible, but not at the expense of your own self-esteem and well-being. It’s important to know when things your child says are not okay. Continue reading
- Amy Zachary is a former clinical director of The Freedom Institute, NYC drug, alcohol and toxocoloy centre. She is a senior family and couples therapist at Greenwich House NYC and the founder of Bereavement Groups for Stony Brook Southampton Hospital, NY.
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